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#fail: How to Create Google Pay-Per-Click Campaigns that Pay Off … for Google

- July 18, 2020 7:22 pm

How to Fail at Google Ads Campaigns

A whopping 90% of internet search traffic takes place through the magic of Google, a company so ambitious that it named itself for a mathematical concept that means a number so big we don’t have time to explain it to you.

But that’s no reason not to trust them to help you play the world’s most popular pay-per-click competition, The Game of Google Ads.

This wild bidding war is perfect for the marketer looking to spend as much time and money as possible for results that are as predictable as ripening avocados.

Will your ad strike the right note at the right time with the ripe prospects?

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#fail: 5 Ways to Fail Hard at Product Management

- July 9, 2020 2:38 pm

Slime

A dream is a really fragile thing and market research is a death sentence when it comes to really stupid dreams…

Product managers – sometimes referred to as product marketers – are responsible for incorporating the voice of the customer into the development process to produce something – sometimes referred to as a product – that somebody will want to buy, possibly.

What is the big deal exactly? 15-year-olds can do it. We live in a world where it is possible to whip up six-figure profits selling slime out of your parents’ kitchen.

So when you hear the so-called “experts” droning on about things like “product roadmaps” and “market research,” just remember that a dream is a fragile thing and market research is a death sentence when it comes to really stupid dreams like becoming a millionaire by selling rocks or blankets with arms.

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#fail: How to Lose Friends & Influence Nobody with B2B Social Media

- May 6, 2020 11:41 pm

How to Fail at B2B Social Media

“Everyone” knows that social media is the key to #success. “Studies” have shown that harnessing the power of so-called social “influencers” can yield ROI that is like, literally, millions of times higher than other methods of outbound marketing.

We’re not sure what other forms of marketing these studies measure but the point is, when you consider the fact that the top nine or 10 influencers count 500 million people as followers, the open rate on your latest email campaign is not even worth talking about. So how do you get there?
Experts say it helps if you’re already famous:

“It helps to already be famous or to become famous to become a social media influencer…”

— 

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#fail: How to Repel Prospects with B2B Email Campaigns that Go Nowhere

- April 26, 2020 10:21 pm

How to Fail at B2B Email Campaigns

To:  Email List Person@gmail.con

From: Our New Marketing Intern

Subject: Re: Hi! Are you looking to COMPLETELY CRUSH your email marketing strategy?!! Read me! 😊

Dude:

Ever wondered why some email campaigns get results and others go so completely ignored that you find yourself googling the outage map? How is it possible for an email campaign to fail to connect to so many people?

It’s more than possible. With the right techniques, you can craft B2B email pitches so repellent they won’t even be opened by mistake. Here’s how:

  • Start with subject lines that are wordy,
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